My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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