someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
