i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
