She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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