I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
