I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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