hotel room ftw
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
