On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
