i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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