I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
