we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
