I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
