Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my phone needs a breathalizer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
