Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
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I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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