I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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