I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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