I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
