Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
