you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
