woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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