i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
