Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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