Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
