You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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