Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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