what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
