just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
