guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
