he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
