Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
