What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
cat food counts as protein by the way
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
