I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize