We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
