I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
