I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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