i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
