when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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