how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
