so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
