New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
