he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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