worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
