I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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