I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
