you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
