if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I forgot how hot balto sounded
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
