Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
