She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
