You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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