Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if only i could text you this smell
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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