Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
