I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
