When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
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I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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