I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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