I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
