This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
