I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.