I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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