You're so nebulous sometimes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
